I'm the luckiest

Adam and I went to a movie recently for my birthday. We didn't know what we were going to see, we just drove up and pick the one that started the soonest. It was between the Tom hanks movie about the pirates and a movie called About Time. We chose the second one based on the leading actress, not knowing that the movie would be about my favorite thing, time travel.

Yes, I love time travel. I love the idea of going back into time and seeing how people lived their life. I don't think I would ever go into the future but the idea to me is so fascinating. 

This movie was all about this man being able to travel back in time and do things over or change the course of his life. He uses this gift in the area of love and he has to work though figuring out how to manage this gift. 

Many times I catch myself thinking "if only I did this" or " I should have not done that" thinking my life would be better somehow because of that situation. But I've realized something recently, I wouldn't change a thing. I love exactly where God has taken me, what he has taught me and how he has loved me. I am so lucky to be alivia's mom and I am excited for what god has in store for us in the future. That being said we are announcing that we are starting the adoption process. "Our plan" is to do domestic adoption through a company called Christian Adoption Consultants. We are excited to start this journey and ask for prayer during this time for Gods perfect timing, patience and wisdom. Thank you everyone for all the support you have shown my family so far. 

Holes

There is this beautiful park in Nashville that we like to go to,especially in the fall. To get there takes much time and patience. Not because it is far away but because it is so adored and there is very limited parking spaces. You make a left hand turn on a street that is lined with trees and only wide enough for 1.5 cars. There is a sign as you enter saying dead end but you keep going because you know what is at the end of that road.  You make your way through the colorful tree adorned hills and past million dollar homes. Leaves soar over your car as they make their expected fall to the ground. Then you come upon it, the line. A line that seems a mile long but in reality is the length of 10 cars. One by one cars turn around to get out of line, they can't wait any longer and leave. To the right up the hill you see the parking lot. Full and small. You see someone walking back to their car and the line moves up. You are closer. Six cars to go but people slowly start to trickle back to their cars, the wait takes 40 min and then it is your turn. 

So much time for one little park. Why? Because it is beautiful. Some people don't have the patience but the ones that do receive the gift of its beauty that is shown in the magnificent colors that reflect off the lake right into your eyes. 

On this particular day we walked the path along the lake that is paved and dog friendly. We passed many people walking.  Some in their older years walking slow and taking it all in and not saying a word to each other. Some young and holding hands, laughing and some alone with their precious companion by their side. We greeted everyone who past us that would give us attention. For we were happy and at peace. We waited patiently and now we are reaping our reward. We walked on. I noticed the leaves more in detail. I wanted to find the perfect one so that I could take it home, put it in my favorite book and dry it out so that I could remember it and look at it for years to come. As I looked and looked I realized there wasn't a perfect leaf. It either had brown spots or holes. One thing I did notice was the suns light beams shining through each one of those holes glaring into my eyes. I squint.  I lost my need for the perfect leaf and admired the ones right before me, perfectly imperfect. 

I began to think each leaf represent each person here on earth. We are broken, we have brown spots and some have holes, many holes. We all have something we are going through, something that test us  or breaks us. It's what we do with those holes that make us. God wants to use those holes to shine his light through them. To reach other people and help them through their holes and heal our own by his light. Life sucks.  And because of this falling world we will go through pain and trials. One thing God promised us is that we don't have to go through it alone. Know one thing leaving my blog today, we all are going through something right now, no one has that perfect leaf. We all have holes. Use your holes to let Gods light shine on someone else. It's amazing what happens when we let go and let God use us and our pain to bring glory to him! 

Take the narrow path that is less traveled but so worth the journey. God has so much beauty to show you. 

Bike therapy

We were in the midst of an Indian summer they said. Who are "they" by the way? anyways, It was warm for this time of the year but perfect for my desire/need to ride. Ill take it. I strapped on my helmet and started my worship music. "Ok God, me and you! Come" 

I pedaled out of my driveway and began my ride. Music poured into my ears and right to my soul. My soul was in need of a little spiritual awakening. Ok, I big awakening. My heart was crushed to put it lightly and I was at a crossroad in my faith. My emotions wanted me to turn from God while my spirit was whispering "hold on stay on the path I've laid out for you."

A long month earlier another one of our  precious children made it to heaven after just 8 weeks here with us. We had so much hope in this pregnancy and were heart broken at the outcome and wondered what God was doing. 

I keep peddling down the road and after 5 miles I am getting tired, wanting to give up. Songs are still poring in from my Laura Story pandora radio station.  My prayer continues and I ask God to speak because I am in desperate need of hearing from him right now. Questions were running through my mind: 

God, do you want us to have more kids?

Should we keep trying with full awareness that this could happen again?

Do we need to be done?

I paused....

God whispers "don't give up."

My breathing increases and I see a hill ahead of me. I could turn back and go back the way I came or I could even call Adam and have him pick me up. But as I hear God speak I stand up on my bike to get a little bit more momentum to get over the hill. As I approach the top of the hill I am overwhelmed by the most beautiful sky.  The sun is just setting over an endless field of soybeans and corn. Colors of orange, yellow and red spread Across the sky. As my heart beats faster and sweat pours out from under my helmet I am overcome with joy. What if I gave up? I would have never seen this beauty. 

Oh I love how God uses moments like this to speak to us. "Don't give up" repeats in my head. What if I have up after my first two miscarriages? I wouldn't have been blessed with the most wonderful gift God has ever given to me.  I think back to some key women in the bible. What if they had given up?

Ruth- she lost her family, her husband, and her heritage. She could have went back home and lived with her family and been surrounded by people that didn't follow God. She chose to be with her mother in law and travel back to the promise land with her. She endured a long rough road to get there but God blessed her with everything she ever wanted and more. She met Boaz and became part of Jesus's lineage. 

Bathsheba - lost her husband, her first born son with the king and then she became pregnant with Solomon. Also in Jesus's lineage. 

Mary - God approached her with the most wonderful task of all. She was called to be Jesus's mother and would become pregnant as a virgin. She knew what this was going to do to her reputation. She would be hated, talked about, banned and could even be killed for such a thing. She didn't give up and chose to follow God in this wonderful plan he had for her life. If she would have said no she would not have been the mother of Jesus, our savior. 

God knew exactly the what he was doing when he chose these women. Their faith was astounding and their life style showed an abundance of Gods grace. 

As I'm reaching mile 9 I see my house on the horizon. I say out loud, "I won't give up!"

Be in the moment your blessed with now!

God has been nudging me lately.  I've tried to ignore what he was saying by justifying why I shouldn't do what he was saying.  Why didn't I want to listen?  Because it was about something I "love" or should I say something I really like to do.  This thing has become to consuming for me.   It started off as convenient and great for my photography business but has now has reached the point of obsession.  This thing is called "Facebook on my phone."

It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in it, and why not?  Facebook sends me notifications when people message me or like my photos.  Why wouldn't I want to check it right away?  Facebook in general isn't bad but I felt God saying "Audra, you are being consumed by this.  Can you get rid of it and replace it with me or spending time with your daughter? "

Wow.  Yes I found myself checking every notification in the middle of doing anything.  I would hear my daughter saying "mom, mommy, mom, look at me!"  Ugh....I don't want to be that way!  I want to enjoy every second with her.  I do not want to look back in 10 years and think about all I missed out on because my face was in my Facebook!  I recently saw a cartoon sketch of two different scenarios of a father and son.  On the left side was the son about age 5 with a sad look on his face trying to get his dads attention but he was too busy on his phone and said "Not now son, I'm busy."  Then on the right side it was the same father and son fast forward 10-12 years and it was now the Dad with a sad look on his face trying to get his sons attention, but the son had his face in his phone, headphones on and said, "Not now dad, I'm busy."

I recently went to the mall with a friend and while we were there we decided to play in the children's area for a while.  This area is enclosed except for one section where the kids come in and out.  There was a mom sitting down by the entrance looking at her phone (I am guilty of this too) and not paying attention to her kids.  The kids were fine and playing nicely with ours but in an instance I see her little 1 1/2 year old run out of the play area and I look at her to see if she noticed and she was still looking at her phone.  I panic and wondered if I should go after the kid.  I watched for a bit and finally the child comes back in.  The toddler did this 3 times in a matter of 10 min and the mom didn't even notice, she never looked up from her phone.  This kid could have been to the other end of the mall by the time she realized her child was gone.  This was my wake up call.  "OK God, I get it! I said.  Just like texting and driving, things can happen in a matter of seconds!

I thought about going getting rid of my smart phone and going back to a non-smartphone (what would you call these phones?  they are so uncommon now).  I got out my old blackberry and got it ready to switch but then I started having second thoughts.  I like everything on my phone.  I use the map, calendar, radio, pictures, family videos...etc.  Do I give all those up too?  After talking with my husband he suggested that I just learn how to manage my time on Facebook instead of  completely getting rid of my phone.  So I came up with this plan.  I am going to delete my Facebook app from my phone for one month.  I will reevaluate in one month and see if I need to make further adjustments on my phone usage.  And if I feel I need to take further action I might go back to my non-smartphone.

Is there anything in your life doing the same thing?  We are social media generation and I am not saying it is bad.  It  is good if we use it the right way. For me I wasn't using it the right way and I was being consumed by it and it was affecting my parenting.  Will you do this with me?  Lets me parents, friends, family who are invested and engaged in each others lives.  Lets spend our extra time being consumed by God and filling our children's life with the great things God has given us, time with each other!  Lets not miss out!!

I will wait for you.

Don't just stand there, do something vs. Don't just do something, stand there

Both statements have very strong points concerning people's spiritual walks with God.

"Don't just stand there, do something."  Many times people are at a stand still, and they don't do anything.  Not always because the don't want to but because they don't know what to do or how to do it.  They are stuck in their everyday walk or they are scared to take the first move.  Some may think that if they wait long enough God will open the door for them.  In some cases God may want you to do something and stop waiting for Him to make the first move.  He wants you to make the first move.  He wants you to choose a door and see if it is unlocked.  I once heard something that made me think twice about waiting.  Many times when people are about to make a big decision about giving their time or money they want to spend a lot of time praying about it and waiting to hear from God about what they should do.  I know that all these things are great and I'm not saying to skip out on praying before making a decision, all I am saying is why wouldn't God want you to do those things?  Why wouldn't he want you to give money to the poor, go on a mission trip, or spend your time giving to the homeless?  He loves all those things.  So do them!  I believe if we take those steps out in faith He will guide our path.  He will close the door if we are not to go down that road or He will keep all the doors unlocked and we can smoothly pass through them.

"Don't just do something, stand there"  This statement tends to be for the ones that are always doing and never stopping to hear from God.  They are busy is church, busy with life and busy to get ahead.  They are constantly doing what they think is right.  They read their bible because they are told to and it is included in their morning routine.  Along with the previous statement all these things can be good, but also may leave out some pretty amazing things.  Many times people are so busy they don't leave any time for God to move in their hearts.  Their minds are constantly running and God doesn't have any room to speak.  They may be doing all the right things, but are they connected?  Do they have the intimacy that God so longs to have with us? God may call these people to just stand there.  Just listen.  Try to hear God's voice.  Take a song and really let the words consume your soul.  God WILL speak and you WILL hear Him if you allow.

Both statements have very true points.  It all depends on where you are in your walk.  I came to this crossroad this week.  Trying to figure out what I should do.  I realized I was the first of the two.  I was waiting for something to happen, paralyzed with fear of the truth.  Did I want to find out what God had for me?  As long as it was my way right?  I prayed for answers, then I waited for answers.  I heard/ saw nothing.  I was consumed with the "what if" and never lived in the here and now.  I had to make that choice to get up and take action.  Start moving toward the doors to see if they were open or closed.  I made a choice to pursue and then I got my answer.

My journey on here has been about children.  My desire to take care of as many children as I can.  When the  miscarriages happened we turned to being foster parents and we have been licensed foster parents since this past May.  Assuming it took some time, we waited patiently.  Now we have become discouraged.  The lies creep in and haunt us.  "You aren't good enough to be foster parents"  That's not truth!  God desires us all to step out and especially step out for his children.  I decided to email a couple people that have been a part of this process with us.  I asked a couple questions concerning why we may not be getting a placement.  Both assured us that we are doing all the right things and our time will come soon.  Our licensing working shared with us that there isn't as many children in our area that are in need.  And if there is a need they are children that are older or have many siblings.  Since we have chosen to only take smaller children (0-3) our placements are very limited.  Door #1 closed for now.  I could do no more, only wait.

We decided to try going to a fertility clinic again.  Last time we were given a recommendation for a doctor it turned out they didn't accept our insurance and we would have to pay for everything out of pocket.  I don't know how much everything cost but I do know it can be pricy depending on the treatment you receive.  My doctor gave me another recommendations so I had some high hopes with this one.  I scheduled the appointment and began to process what the doctor may find out about my body.  I prayed over this after I made my appointment.  I wanted God to be in this and I didn't want to do this process if it wasn't in God's plan for us.  I made a move and I received another closed door.  We got a call from the insurance department at the doctors office and they informed us that our insurance would only cover some of the test to figure out what is going on but they wouldn't cover any procedure or medication to help me get/stay pregnant.  This had nothing to do with the office not accepting us, it was what our insurance chose to cover, and it didn't matter where we went.  I called Adam and we talked about whether we were going to continue to go into our appointment to figure out what was wrong.  We chose to cancel because in the depths of my soul I feel that God is saying "just wait, not now".  Door #2 closed for now.

We may not ever know the reason for why God does/ doesn't do things.   We have to have faith that God is doing it for our own good and for His glory.  Many of you may know that I had 30 hours of labor with Alivia that ended with an emergency c-section.  During the c-section I felt everything.  The doctors were stunned and didn't understand why I was screaming as they began to take Alivia out of my stomach.  The pain was so bad that my screaming had filled the halls of the hospital down to the room where my family was waiting for the arrival of Alivia.  I laid on the table praying for my husband and Alivia and their life together as I assumed it was my time to go be with the Lord.  My family immediately began to pray as well.  I obviously did not hear them but I was told it was bold, loud and very powerful.  A cry out to God.  I believe God spared my life that day and I am able and blessed to be with my family and raise my daughter.  I don't know this for a fact but maybe he is still sparing me by not allowing me to get pregnant?  Just a thought.  Either way I am so blessed and thankful to God for the gifts He has given me.  My life, my family and my friends.

God may/may not have kids down the road for us and if He does I will be over joyed when they come into my house.  But as for now, I choose to let go of my plans for my life and let God take over.  I choose to put my focus on the things that God wants me to do right now.  So now...I am going to listen, wait and work on pursuing an intimacy with God that I have never reached before.

Holding On

It has been a few months since I have posted anything on this blog.  Honestly, it has been a rough few months.  Many things going on emotionally that I (we) had to deal with before I even began to think about writing again.  Everyone has something they have to deal with, the question is are you dealing with it alone or with God?  I have had many disappointments that have come my way in the last five years but the one thing that has brought me through is walking through those hard times with God by my side.  He reminds me that I am loved, wanted, beautiful, desired, and worthy.  And as those hard times come my way and I want to wallow in the dark places and think I am not loved, unwanted, ugly, undesired and unworthy I have to force myself to hear the truth.  Over the last few months I have caught myself in those dark places and unable to get out.  Some of the lies I was allowing myself to believe is that I wasn't worth receiving any blessings from God.  That is dumb right....but I'm sure many of you have thought that at one point and time.  I "believed" that if God loved me he would give me the things I desire right now.  We know that God does want to give us the desires of our heart, so why wasn't he giving me mine?

Timing.  I talk about this a lot.  God's timing is perfect.  This is a truth.  Something I have to keep reminding myself.  Another thing that is truth is that I am worth receiving blessings and so are you! I heard a story on the radio today about a young girl who never felt beautiful because she never measured up to her tall, blonde curly hair friends.  She was short and had dark straight hair.  She wondered why God made her this way and thought the same lies many of us think.  Later in life God called her to be a missionary in China.  People in China are a lot smaller than people in the US and have darker hair.  Now, doesn't it make sense to why God made her exactly how did?  So she would fit in where people need to hear the word of God.  He has a purpose and a plan for EVERYTHING he does...even down to your looks!

A few days ago, very close friends of ours arrived in China to pick up their beautiful daughter Sophie after years of waiting for her.  I can't speak for them but I can say from what I have heard from them and experienced by hanging out with them, this was not an easy process.  There were many moments when they thought...WHAT?!?!....they didn't understand what God was up to.  But all those twist and turns and surprises brought them to a little girl that needed them, exactly them.  They are going to make great parents and I am so excited for them.  They were able to finally see Gods plan in all the waiting.

I am in the spot of waiting...still.  I may not know why Adam and I are waiting right now.  I may take everything personal and think it is because I am not good enough or I do not deserve getting pregnant or have a placement.  I cry with joy & sadness whenever someone tells me they are pregnant or they received a placement because I wonder when it is my turn again.  Its not that I need a baby or a placement, its just that I need answers and I want to move on if the answers aren't my own.  These are lies that are creeping into my thoughts.  What I need is God's truths.  If I focus on the truths the lies will slip away.  Just like the two stories I shared, God has perfect timing for everything that is happening.  I may not understand why I still have a crib set up in our spare room or why I am saving all of Alivia's clothes, but I do know that I am doing it for a reason.  I am doing everything for a reason.  God created us perfectly and his plan is perfect.  And I don't need anything but God and his plan for my life.  I am (you are) worth the waiting because it is going to bring forth God's glory!

Our friends in China with Sophie on Gotcha Day!