Have Your Way

Today, May 2nd 2012, is a bittersweet day for our family. The sweetness of today is that it is my mother-in-law Marla's Birthday. Her birthday is always a reminder of her birth and celebration of course, but also of spring and summer is close by. We look forward to this time of year. And this year was suppose to be a little bit more precious.

Back in September we announced to our family that we were expecting, again. The best part was calling up my mother-in-law and telling her we could possibly be giving her a wonderful birthday present, a new grand baby on her birthday. We were all ecstatic. Unfortunately, the baby only survived for a short 6 weeks inside me and went to be with his/her four other brothers/sisters in Heaven. This was a hard time for myself and Adam and our family. But we knew that God had a plan and we had to trust Him.

Before getting pregnant with this past child we tossed around the idea of adoption. It was in our plan to adopt after we had all of our kids. But after this last miscarriage I knew that I could not go through another miscarriage again, and I was done. It was a moment in my life that stood still. A moment I will never forget. The moment I gave up my plans and gave them to God. His plan was and is far greater than we could imagine that day. Because of this baby and his short life, we chose to move forward with fostering.

How could each of these babies in Heaven have a plan? Each of them did. Each baby brought our family closer to this point of letting go and trusting God with our life. And the old saying "easier said than done" is completely true. I still struggle daily with my plan for my life and what I want.

I want a lot of kids. Even if you have known me for a mere 20 minutes, you will know this to be true. Children our my passion and I even received a degree in Elementary Education studying children. I have worked along side kids all my life, since I was old enough to babysit at the young age of 13. I know how they tick and I am able to get down to their level and understand their wants and needs. Why wouldn't God want me to have kids?

I began reading that book "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" a few weeks back and I came up on a part talking about leaving something behind. If you are move forward with God's will for your life many times He will ask you to leave something behind. This could be a location, like when my sister Casi left her family & friends to go to Nashville for a new job. It ended up being the best decision of her life. She misses us greatly, but doing what God has called her to do has made her blossom into this amazing women of God and He has blessed her tremendously. Or it could be a job or an idea. It is leaving the control you have on something and giving God room to take over. This doesn't mean that ones life will be miserable if they don't give up something, it will still be good. It does mean that if you do trust God and let go....you life could be amazing!

God wanted me to leave an idea of something:
(I wasn't going to share this...but here we go)

Two weeks ago I was abruptly woken up in the middle of the night. I am not sure of the time but it was dark. There wasn't a sound but I knew I was suppose to be awake at that moment. That is when I heard it...HIM. I have never in my life heard HIS voice this way. I experienced times where I felt He was leading me somewhere or giving me a nudge, but this was HIS voice. Loud and Clear. What did HE say? Another one of those moments that stood still and will never ever leave my mind and soul. "Audra, you need to leave the idea of having multiple children." WHAT?!!? I was shocked. I layed in bed staring into the darkness for what seemed like hours. Then I began to pray. I prayed for forgiveness over my idea of a lot children, I prayed that God would forgive me for my prideful thoughts on deserving a lot of children due to my experience, and I prayed for forgiveness over judging others for only having one child. I never understood why people would only have one kid. Children are gifts from God, why wouldn't you want more? This is not my job to judge, it is Gods and His alone. I do not know their story and I ask for forgiveness from everyone who may have felt judged by me.

I am not sure at this point what God means by what He said to be that night. I know that He is already taking me through a journey because of those heart wrenching words. By no means do I feel ungrateful for what I have. I am so blessed by Alivia and the joy she has brought our family. She is more of a miracle to me today than she was the day she was conceived and brought into this world. She is here on earth for a reason and I am going to soak up all the time I have with her and enjoy the precious moments I have just me and her.

God is preparing me. He wants me to understand that this fostering journey is going to be rough and that I will want to keep all of these kids. They are not mine to keep. They are mine to take care of and hopefully show them the love of our Lord. I am better equiped now to be a tool in Gods tool box. I am here to help bring these families back together by being there in their time of need. And if one or more of these children need a permanent home down the road, we are here!