All Eyes On Me

A week ago today I experienced one of the scariest moments of my mothering experience.  It was another one of our slow and normal Thursday nights.  We take this night to play outside or go for a walk.  This particular night I asked a good friend of mine to take a walk with our kids.  My daughter ended up falling face first on a bar at the park.  She landed on her nose and I've never seen so much blood.  We ended up taking her to the ER that night to make sure she didn't have a concussion or a broken nose.  After speaking to the doctor and having her checked out for an hour, she was given the ok to go home.  We had to wake her up every four hours that night and we were relieved to see that she was almost back to normal the next morning. The one thing that was different was her nose.  It was big...very big.  There was no bridge between her eyes and nose ran into her eyes as if they were one.  I felt horrible.  I knew it must hurt and all I could do was ice it when she allowed me and keep giving her motrin.  I knew it was only going to look worse before it looked better and it just so happened we had a really busy weekend.

Here we are at the E.R.

Right before she went to bed that night.  She was already back to her joyful self.

The next day at the fair I had her wear sunglasses to hide most of the bruising and swelling.  It helped but we still received many, many looks.  I even heard a few "awww"'s.  

Saturday afternoon we met Adam's brother, wife and daughter at a game center...sunglasses aren't really an option indoors.  So we just sucked it up and went inside.  Once again we got many looks from adults.   I knew they were judging me and wondering if I caused this.  I just kept smiling at them and didn't let it bother me.  

After we left the game center we headed to Goodwill to walk around.  And just like before many people that walked by us would cringe and then look at me.  I once again didn't let it bother me and we kept having fun shopping through Goodwill.  One lady come up to us and she asked us what happened.  I told Liv to tell her what happened.  She said, "I fell."  The lady then proceed to ask Liv in a very forceful tone, "Did you fall or did someone HIT you?"  I let out a little laugh and said that she fell and walked away.  

I wanted to blurt out, "DON'T JUDGE ME!" but I understood why they were.  They don't know me and I honestly might do the same thing.  I would wonder if the kid was getting abused and I would watch the parents behavior to make sure the the kid was ok.  

I didn't let this accident stop our everyday life.  We kept our normal schedule visiting friends, going to the water park and out to dinner with family.  I received many looks and comments directed toward my way about this little girls appearance.  I always kept my cool and answered as calmly as possible.  Even when this teenage girl watched as Liv was having a tantrum at the water park and proceeded to ask me "Umm...do you need help?"  Yes...you may now bring your jaw back up from the floor!  I KNOW! But I answered her with "No, but thank you." 

I realized over this past week that all eyes were on me.  They took one look at my daughter and then turned to me in judgement and seeking out whether I was a fit mother or not.  I could feel ever move that I made and how I parented my daughter was getting analyzed.  

This got me thinking.  Did God use this situation to teach me something?  He sure did.  This was another lesson or step in preparing me for being a foster mom.  Some of my children might look different than I or even physically have some bruises or marks from their previous home.  I will get many different kinds of questions and looks concerning these things.  Some will be innocent while others will be cruel.    How will I respond?  I want to respond in a way that is honoring to my children and in a way that I will make them proud.

Here we are today, still bruised but very happy!

  

No news...is good news?

I can honestly say that I thought we would have a new child in our home by now.  There seemed to be such a need and I figured if God had put us in this class that we would get a child as soon as we returned home from our vacation.  I heard of families who got their first call just four hours after they completed their Pride class or days after.  Its been 3 weeks since we finished our class.  I miss seeing our friends on a weekly basis, but I know that they are there for support if we need them.

While we were on vacation I began reading a great book that my friend gave me the day we left called "Another Place at the Table" by Kathy Harrison.  God gave us some not so great weather in the beginning of the week and it allowed me to finish the book half way through our trip.  It was an easy read and a informative read for our foster care future.

Kathy is a foster mom back in the 90's when things were quite different than they are now.  But this book was very informative and it gave me a glimpse into the life of a foster family.  It showed me how quickly kids could come and go and how flexible a foster parent needs to be with these transactions.  It gave me great insight on how to handle those tough situations that only therapist should handle.  It allowed me to think about how I will react in a crisis.  Kathy had a million things going on and then one of her kids decided to get her attention by grabbing the legs of the family cat and swinging her around the room.  The kids were crying and the cat was hurt.  What was Kathy's reaction?  She calmly told the kids to go do whatever they needed to do and asked her daughter to join her in their den.  They sat in silence for a while and finally when she could find the words to say she just asked her what happened.  She didn't yell or punish her.  She knew this was a tender moment and she had to use it in the right way.  Her daughter began to open up and talk about some of her life and Kathy was able to understand her better and had a better understanding of how to help her.  Kathy didn't let her get away with what she did but she calmly advised her to come to her when she was scarred, instead of hurting something, someone or herself.  Kathy says it perfectly about this situation "Its ironic really.  Those of us with the least training, at the bottom of the food chain so to speak, are the ones with the day-to-day control in the lives of these kids.  In a crisis like this, I have to decide how to respond."  And although she did feel incapable she handled the situation very well.

Kathy puts it so well.  She says, "It comes as no surprise that finding families willing to open their doors to the rigors of foster parenting is so hard.  Fostering means knowing about the things most of us would prefer to forget.  It means recognizing that our best is often not good enough.  It means only knowing the difficult beginnings of a story and being forced to imagine the end.  It means loving children who will ultimately leave us.  Then drying our tears and letting ourselves love again."

It is going to be hard, very hard.  But God didn't put us here on earth to live a easy selfish life.  He put us here on earth to serve Him and make disciples of all the nations.  I can best serve Him by loving on any and all the kids He puts into my care.  Even if that does mean I have to let go and trust God in all situations.  I will never give up praying for them.  "I want to live a life that matters, a life that makes a difference."

So as I am waiting here to see where God takes our lives, I am praying for these kids that come into our care.  Right now, I am thankful that there isn't an abundance of calls coming in, that means that for now I am not needed.  For now, a kid is safe at home.  But I pray that when that time comes God will wrap His arms around that child and let them know they are loved while their life gets turned upside down.

For as long as I have them, I will love them the best I know how.