Steady my Heart

I sat in the front seat of my mom's cranberry red chevy Malibu going down I65 South heading toward sunny Florida.  My mom was driving and my sweet girl was singing her little heart out in the backseat, as usual!  We had one overnight pit stop in Nashville to pick up a few vacation tagalongs (aka: my sister, aunt and cousin) and then we would be in the sunshine state.  We were beyond excited to finally be on the road heading south, toward warmer weather so we can unthaw our frozen bones.  This winter was harder than most winters, and I mainly blame in on the movie Frozen coming out!  If that movie was called Melting or Thawed…maybe we wouldn't have had the snowapocalypse….just saying! Anyways, I had some time to think as I sat there strapped in and 6 hrs of interstate ahead of me.  My mind began to worry, doubt, and fear the unknowns about our adoption.

(side note)
We have been beyond blessed by everyone who has supported us in this adoption.  God has shown up in amazing ways through people praying, raising money to get started with the company Christian Adoptions Consultants (so worth it by the way!! but ill save that for another post), and helped us raise money to get started on our home study!  We were blown away how they money came in and we were able to move forward!  If I haven't thanked you already for your amazing support….thank you!  Because every dollar helps get my baby home and everyone has a hand in getting him into my arms….so cool!  (I can just heal Olaf saying "all good things, all good things" man that movie!!!!)

(So back to I65…..)
As our home study is on it way and moving at great speeds,(YAY) my mind began to think about what happens after the home study.  What do we do now?  I felt that I have exhausted my fundraising options at this point and I began to sink slowing into my seat, curling up into a ball so that I may become smaller, just thinking of asking for more money.

"But God….they have already given so much, how can I ask for more…who would give more?"
 
This is where I make a crucial mistake.  First I said "But, God".  Just so you know, those two words don't go together.  Saying "but" before God signifies that I have another idea, thought or objective other than Gods.  It is saying that I think His plan isn't going to work because I am having doubt or fear associated to the topic.  Secondly, I said "how can I ask for more?"  Did you catch that?  I took control!  I put all the pressure on myself and didn't let God take care of it.  I was too worried about what people would think if I asked for more money!  God gently whispers, "I will ask"  Whew…that takes all the pressure off! Thank you God!  I was encouraged to begin praying specifically for our funding and it went more like this:

"God, I trust you.  I know you will provide the funds when the time is right!  I know you have a perfect child waiting for us and we will wait for him patiently.  I pray that you will stir in people's hearts about helping us fund our adoption at just the right time, your time.  I love you.  Amen"

After that prayer I was at peace with where our adoption journey was at and how long it could take us to reach our goal! All I could think about at this point was….SUMMER!!!  ( "I just love summer and all things HOT!")

Fast forward three days later:

I read an email saying they have a donation for us to help us fund our adoption!  Wait…..what?   This girl begins to tell me how a few days earlier she was praying for a way that they could help us with our adoption.  God opened doors and answered prayers!!  We were both amazed at God's love, timing & provision in all this!

I wrote this mainly to give everyone an idea of where we are at in our adoption journey.  We are almost there!  There still could be some funds needed along the way but for now we can move forward and quickly if we need to thanks to this donation!  The second reason for writing this is to say thank you!  We are blessed, truly blessed by everyone and are amazed at God's hands guiding us the whole way.  We wouldn't be able to do this without your prayerful, emotional & financial support.  Finally, I wrote this because I want to encourage you.  If you are doubting, worried or fearful of the situation you are in, I encourage you to quit saying "but, God" or "I can't."  Instead, let go of the control and trust that God will provide and can move mountains.  Be bold in your prayer and ask that God will steady your heart.  And know that God will provide!

"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the son." (John 14:13)

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is no life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do no sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"  (Matthew 6:25-27)

Forgive and you shall be forgiven

I have been working on this post for weeks.  I have studied, took down notes, wrote out a whole blog and then deleted it when I heard God say, "Start over".  In the first post there was more research and not some much heart.  Why?  Because sharing my heart on this is very vulnerable.  But God calls us to step out in faith for Him, to bring Him glory.  So here I go…my heart is on the table.

About a year and half ago I found out some information from someone that I am close to that broke me to pieces.  I will not go into detail on here about the situation or who this was because this is not what this blog is about, but it is about forgiveness.  Forgiveness of the offense and for the person.  When I first learned of the offense God put a super power within me to forgive right away and move on.

But recently I've experience something I have never experienced to this magnitude before.  Depression & anxiety with a side of bitterness.  It creeped up inside me like a sneaky snake, I didn't know it was there until it was already inside my pants with no way of getting out unless I took my pants off and expose myself.  It was getting so bad that it was effecting my marriage, my relationships and my daily life.  I was sad all the time and I couldn't find joy in anything.  I would cry on a moments notice and then be angry the next.  I put the blame on others, thinking they were doing things to me to cause me to act this way.  I couldn't find the blame in myself for I found myself blameless.

I approached a close friend on the issue and asked her about forgiveness.  I told her how I had forgiven them once before and about my fear that I hadn't been honest with that forgiveness.  I was unsure if I had really dealt with the pain at the time.  My friend had some great insight:

"Forgiveness is like taking out the trash.  When the trash gets full with yucky smelly junk we need to take it out.  And then little by little the trash starts getting full again with junk because we have have stuff we throw in there daily, and we have to take it out again.  Just like trash, forgiveness needs this attention.  Little by little the enemy will start adding junk in there and we need to get rid of it."

That analogy was so life changing for me.  I assumed that once you dealt with the forgiveness it was something you were done dealing with.  But in that moment God brought it to my attention that I needed to forgive again.  It was harder this time, there was more hurt and I just didn't want to justify that hurt by forgiving the offender.  So I began researching forgiveness.  I read books like  The Judas Goat by Perry Stone, looked up all the definitions of forgiveness online, sought out advice from wiser people in my life and most importantly, I read my bible.  You know what I found out?  Forgiveness isn't about justifying the person actions, it isn't for the other person, and it isn't saying everything is forgotten and the pain subsides.

What is forgiveness?  Forgiveness is a choice, forgiveness is for you, forgiveness allows you to move forward and forgiveness is love.   But most importantly God forgives us, he wipes the slate clean and he DIED for us.  And this is what he says:

"And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive your trespasses.  But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses." Mark 11:25-26

Wow…..Do I have sin?  YES! I need Jesus big time. When I am holding on to this unforgiveness and choosing not to give it out, God will choose to not forgive me.  The enemy will start to plant little lies into our heads and they begin to grow like yeast does in warm homemade bread.  Then, eventually we are rock bottom and not sure how we got there.  So I laid it all out, arms wide open, eyes pouring with tears as I let go.  I forgave.  I immediately felt a release of my pain.  The hurt was there but God gave me a compensating joyful spirit. The depression, anxiety and bitterness was gone.  Once I gave it all up I felt lighter, happier and joyful again. 

I write this today to encourage you. I've been there and I'll be there again and it's very hard to forgive if you've been hurt in unimaginable ways. I pray you can release that pain to Jesus and feel joy again. Don't take the responsibility of holding onto that, let God take care of that and you. Thats why He sent his Son to die on the cross, for us and for all the pain this fallen world may cause. That is just too much for us to bear. 

 Much love to you today. 

Forgiveness(Dictionary.com):
Pardon, victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding offense, let go of negative emotions such as revenge, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. 



Forgiveness (Wikipedia.org)
a legal term for absolving or giving up all claims on account of debt, loan, obligation or other claims.  
wipe slate clean, to pardon to cancel all debt