Going in Circles

Ever feel like you are walking in circles? Spiritually, I mean? Seeing and experiencing the same thing over and over again can make one go insane. Know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. But, as I faced the deadful task of mowing our lawn with a push mower, (we have 1 acre lot and no rider right now) God gave a slightly different view on going in circles.

Lately, as most of you have witnessed through my writing or daily life, I've been going through the same situations and heartache over and over again.  Same hope, same outcome. I began mowing with the intent of praying and thanking God for all that He HAS given me, it's a lot guys! It's amazing how your mindset changes when you change perspectives. I went around the yard and chose a path that would have me go in circles so that I may chop up the remaining clippings.  As I was going in circles, and praying, I began to get tired, weary and wondering if I am even making a dent!  I began thinking of the other neighbors with riding lawn mowers or a smaller yard. "I wish I had their set up" I said under my breath. God quickly, yet gently, said in response to that "dont be envious of what others have, instead be thankful for the tools I have provided you."  

"God, thank you for this push mower."

I was sweating,(much needed for sure after snacking on BBQ chips earlier...don't ask..haha) it was hard and parts of it were really messy but I was determined to finish because if I waited any longer it would be even harder to finish. Higher Grass = more work. So I kept going, praying through as I was seeing the same path over and over again, circle after circle.  Trying to keep my eyes on my yard and not others. 

Just like this scenario, we don't always see the finished product when we are in the midst of our journey. We may have to experience the same trails over and over again, because that is the path we are on. God has each of us on a different path for different reason but with the same end goal.  Some may be on a shorter path and others a longer path, but in the end if you keep going, pushing though those trials and thanking God for the blessings you have, you will get to where God has lead you. And all the pain and messiness will be worth it because you look back over your work and you see Gods beauty in every step. 

In the end as I mowed over the last strip I saw a beautifully cut grass and I got a great work out! Time to rest until I'm at it again in a few days! 

God bless and keep praying through! 

James 1:12

Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which [the Lord] has promised to those who love Him.

Romans 12:12

rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer,

James 1:2

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,

Philippians 4:6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Something Better

It was Wednesday morning July 16th and I had just arrived at my parents house to hang out with my mom on her day off. As I was sitting there I received an email from our consultant (and friend) Katie, telling us they're was a situation we should check out. It was for a baby boy due in one week!!  My emotions begin to fly, my hands begin to shake and my heart started beating faster and faster as I thought this could be the one. I pictured us there, in the hospital, flying home with him and introducing him to Alivia. Hr was ours! 

I called the agency immediately to find information on the situation. The girl on the case told me that I needed to be registered with them and have all our information in to be presented. Since we didn't even have our homestudy in hand, I knew this situation probably wasn't going to work.

When I got home that day I looked through my paperwork and found that CAC had already filled out the paperwork for this agency!! I called the agency back and asked if there was anyway we could be presented today if I was able to get everything in in time. She told me that if I could email my homestudy to her, send our profile to the  kinkos by her and get all required paperwork to her in the next hour we could be presented! 

I was a mad women trying to get  everything together. I uploaded our profile to the kinkos in Utah and began calling about the location of our homestudy and wondering if we could get it emailed to the agency. I couldn't get a hold of them!!  Then the agency called to tell me they received our profile and that we could be presented if we get our homestudy to them in 30 min.  Once again I let go of this idea and knew this probably wasn't going to happen since the homestudy was still MIA. 

Alivia and I had somewhere to be so we packed up our things and I walked out of the house with my head slightly lowered in defeat. 

As we pulled out of our driveway I decided to check our mailbox. To my surprise an envelope containing our homestudy was there!  "Thank you Jesus!"  I quickly put the car in reverse and ran inside to scan and email it to the agency. I then walked out of my house with my head high, knowing this was a God ordained event and it all worked out perfectly! 

We were presented! 

Fast forward to the next day, Thursday afternoon. 

The phone rang and my heart stopped. I paused before answering and said a little prayer. "God you are in control!"   

I hung up the phone with a feeling that was all too familiar. A feeling I thought I would never experience again. A feeling that I never associated to this adoption process. Loss. 

I will tell you this, I was right back in that hospital room, arms empty, with only the memory of my sweet little girl. She only had 8 weeks of life inside of me, but left a lasting impression. I was heartbroken. My heart was all in and the events were too perfect for it not to work out. I felt like a failure and unworthy of being chosen. 

All I could do was cry. 

Then, God reminded me of something I heard on the radio that morning. (Ill try my best to recreate what they said, but it went something like this)

"If you are experiencing heartache today due to something that didn't go your way or a loss of a dream, know that God has something better for you" 

At the moment of defeat it is hard to see that "something better" but God reminded me to have hope that our perfect situation is out there and not to give up. When we hold our baby in our arms the heartache will take the backseat and hopefully jump out of the car soon after. 

I thank you all for your prayers and I pray that whatever heartache you may be experiencing right now that you have hope. Hope that God has something better and he will not let this go to waste. He will use it for His Glory. 

Don't give up.