Our Adoption Journey

This is our adoption story through pictures & music. Enjoy!

-Audra

Welcome Amelia Mae!!

Our precious girl is here!!! This moment is so surreal to us in so many ways. God had our story written out from day one to have her in our arms. Most of you know our story but one thing you may not remember is where we were one year ago today. One year ago we were in the hospital and we were saying goodbye to our baby girl. We were heartbroken an unsure where God was taken us! One year later we were signing papers to officially become Amelia's mom.  We are blown away by Gods faithfulness and love for us!! 

Amelia's story:

We got to the hospital around 9am. We met another family that was there adopting too! Their son was to be born anytime as well. We talked for awhile then out case worker ran out and rushed me in the room!  I stood by Amelia's birth mom as she quickly pushed her out at 10:08 am. She is beautiful!! She weighed 7.4 lbs and was 18 /12 inches long! We have been by her side ever since!! 

We never understood the love we would have with our birth mom. We have been so blessed by this amazing women and have developed a great relationship with her. We will be keeping in touch with her throughout Amelia's life! 

It has been a whirlwind of a time, full of crazy emotions! We couldn't have done this with out Gods amazing love and your support! We are so very thankful and blessed beyond words by you all! Amelia will know the army of friends and family that walked this journey with us to get her home! Thank you!! Enjoy the pics!! 

Going in Circles

Ever feel like you are walking in circles? Spiritually, I mean? Seeing and experiencing the same thing over and over again can make one go insane. Know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. But, as I faced the deadful task of mowing our lawn with a push mower, (we have 1 acre lot and no rider right now) God gave a slightly different view on going in circles.

Lately, as most of you have witnessed through my writing or daily life, I've been going through the same situations and heartache over and over again.  Same hope, same outcome. I began mowing with the intent of praying and thanking God for all that He HAS given me, it's a lot guys! It's amazing how your mindset changes when you change perspectives. I went around the yard and chose a path that would have me go in circles so that I may chop up the remaining clippings.  As I was going in circles, and praying, I began to get tired, weary and wondering if I am even making a dent!  I began thinking of the other neighbors with riding lawn mowers or a smaller yard. "I wish I had their set up" I said under my breath. God quickly, yet gently, said in response to that "dont be envious of what others have, instead be thankful for the tools I have provided you."  

"God, thank you for this push mower."

I was sweating,(much needed for sure after snacking on BBQ chips earlier...don't ask..haha) it was hard and parts of it were really messy but I was determined to finish because if I waited any longer it would be even harder to finish. Higher Grass = more work. So I kept going, praying through as I was seeing the same path over and over again, circle after circle.  Trying to keep my eyes on my yard and not others. 

Just like this scenario, we don't always see the finished product when we are in the midst of our journey. We may have to experience the same trails over and over again, because that is the path we are on. God has each of us on a different path for different reason but with the same end goal.  Some may be on a shorter path and others a longer path, but in the end if you keep going, pushing though those trials and thanking God for the blessings you have, you will get to where God has lead you. And all the pain and messiness will be worth it because you look back over your work and you see Gods beauty in every step. 

In the end as I mowed over the last strip I saw a beautifully cut grass and I got a great work out! Time to rest until I'm at it again in a few days! 

God bless and keep praying through! 

James 1:12

Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which [the Lord] has promised to those who love Him.

Romans 12:12

rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer,

James 1:2

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,

Philippians 4:6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Something Better

It was Wednesday morning July 16th and I had just arrived at my parents house to hang out with my mom on her day off. As I was sitting there I received an email from our consultant (and friend) Katie, telling us they're was a situation we should check out. It was for a baby boy due in one week!!  My emotions begin to fly, my hands begin to shake and my heart started beating faster and faster as I thought this could be the one. I pictured us there, in the hospital, flying home with him and introducing him to Alivia. Hr was ours! 

I called the agency immediately to find information on the situation. The girl on the case told me that I needed to be registered with them and have all our information in to be presented. Since we didn't even have our homestudy in hand, I knew this situation probably wasn't going to work.

When I got home that day I looked through my paperwork and found that CAC had already filled out the paperwork for this agency!! I called the agency back and asked if there was anyway we could be presented today if I was able to get everything in in time. She told me that if I could email my homestudy to her, send our profile to the  kinkos by her and get all required paperwork to her in the next hour we could be presented! 

I was a mad women trying to get  everything together. I uploaded our profile to the kinkos in Utah and began calling about the location of our homestudy and wondering if we could get it emailed to the agency. I couldn't get a hold of them!!  Then the agency called to tell me they received our profile and that we could be presented if we get our homestudy to them in 30 min.  Once again I let go of this idea and knew this probably wasn't going to happen since the homestudy was still MIA. 

Alivia and I had somewhere to be so we packed up our things and I walked out of the house with my head slightly lowered in defeat. 

As we pulled out of our driveway I decided to check our mailbox. To my surprise an envelope containing our homestudy was there!  "Thank you Jesus!"  I quickly put the car in reverse and ran inside to scan and email it to the agency. I then walked out of my house with my head high, knowing this was a God ordained event and it all worked out perfectly! 

We were presented! 

Fast forward to the next day, Thursday afternoon. 

The phone rang and my heart stopped. I paused before answering and said a little prayer. "God you are in control!"   

I hung up the phone with a feeling that was all too familiar. A feeling I thought I would never experience again. A feeling that I never associated to this adoption process. Loss. 

I will tell you this, I was right back in that hospital room, arms empty, with only the memory of my sweet little girl. She only had 8 weeks of life inside of me, but left a lasting impression. I was heartbroken. My heart was all in and the events were too perfect for it not to work out. I felt like a failure and unworthy of being chosen. 

All I could do was cry. 

Then, God reminded me of something I heard on the radio that morning. (Ill try my best to recreate what they said, but it went something like this)

"If you are experiencing heartache today due to something that didn't go your way or a loss of a dream, know that God has something better for you" 

At the moment of defeat it is hard to see that "something better" but God reminded me to have hope that our perfect situation is out there and not to give up. When we hold our baby in our arms the heartache will take the backseat and hopefully jump out of the car soon after. 

I thank you all for your prayers and I pray that whatever heartache you may be experiencing right now that you have hope. Hope that God has something better and he will not let this go to waste. He will use it for His Glory. 

Don't give up. 

Joy in waiting

I check my phone one more time.  Still nothing.  It has only been five minutes since I last pushed the envelope button on my screen.  I wait and watch the phone upload and hope that I see a new email come across the screen, praying it isn't another piece of junk mail from Kohl's telling me I have 30% off! Don't get me wrong, I do love those emails but my wallet does not!  Still nothing.  I sigh as my head becomes twice as heavy and it hangs.  I continue to do this through out the day, hoping today is the day we get an email saying our home study is done!  As we wait for one more signature my mind is consumed and it affects my mood.  My day is filled with disappointment instead of joy, sadness instead of happiness, and anger instead of love.  Is this what God wanted when he put us in this waiting period?   Does God want us to focus on the have-nots,  or the blessings in what we already have?  Life is full of waiting.  Waiting for that promotion, waiting to graduate, waiting to get married, waiting for the next paycheck, waiting to move or waiting to have a child.  It's not about the wait, its about what we do in the midst of waiting.

I can't help but think of Rebekah as I sit here and think about my own life and all that I am waiting for. She was married to Isaac and she was unable to have kids for twenty years.  TWENTY YEARS?!?  Yes, I guess I did read that correctly.  Can you imagine?  Oh her heart.  During this time men often took their handmaids or a second wife.  But Isaac stayed faithful during this time and instead of choosing another woman he prayed for his wife:

"Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was barren.  The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant. " Genesis 25: 21

The Lord not only answered their prayer, He blessed them with two babies.  These twins represented the two nations and a fulfillment to God's promise (Genisis 15).  Isaac and Rebekah had to wait twenty years for God's perfect plan to be played out.  I don't know how they handled the waiting period.  I am sure Rebekah cried out to God often, if not daily to answer her prayers. I don't know how her heart was during that time, but I do know what she revealed to me in the midst of her waiting.

God has a perfect plan and promise designed for your life.  He wants us to cry out to Him and continue to pray for the desires of our heart and wait expectantly (1John 5:14).  He wants us to stay close to Him and keep those desires close to your heart.  This is what He doesn't want us to do.  He doesn't want us to become consumed with what we don't have yet.  He doesn't want us to become bitter, sad, depressed or disappoint.  He doesn't want us to compare to what others have because he has a perfect plan made out for them and them only, just as He does with you.  What if Rebekah spent twenty years complaining and consumed with waiting?  What a waste!

This is what I know God is telling me.  Enjoy the wait.  It could be a day or twenty years, in that time find the joy in all that God has blessed me with today.  What did I find joy in today?  Car rides filled with worship songs and endless questions by my four year old.  Catching up with a dear friend.  Bike rides with family. Swinging. A loving, and quite attractive, husband!  Giving my daughter a bath and sitting back watching her dump bucket after bucket of water on her head.  Going to Starbucks twice in one day, yes I'm an addict! And a sugar cookie to end my day.  It started off as a dessert pizza with amazing fruit & cream cheese frosting on top.  Don't tell anyone but I picked off all the fruit and just ate the cookie with frosting! Perfect.

What if we focused on all the joys in life and lived as if we had 20 years to wait?  If I knew I had years before I was to get another baby in my arms, I would enjoy the years leading up to that time to the fullest.  God loves us and loves to bless us.  If you know God has promised you something, have faith in that and wait joyfully for his promise to become fulfilled!

Pinterest Perfect

There I stood in my galley kitchen huff'n and puff'n over how my peeler is shredding my carrots. The nerve. I didn't own one of these peelers until recently. I've been married for almost 7 years!  How did I manage?  Well, honestly I did just great. There were a few times I thought about having one or needing one but we made do with a good old trusty knife! 

Recently while babysitting, Alivia and the little girl I watch acquired a taste for carrots. Not the cute little baby carrots, oh no can't have the ones already cut up nicely for you, they wanted whole carrots roughly the size of their arms.  So as I reached for my friends peeler my eyes were taken back by its sleekness and then I placed it in my hand and ran it down the carrot and my mouth dropped. (I don't get out much) it was smooth, lightweight, and very durable. In no time I had that carrot peeled. I was in love. 

Fast forward to me huffing and puffing....my peeler wasn't cutting it anymore. We are breaking up. It's big, bulky and the peels stay on the carrot creating more work for me. I just don't like it anymore after using hers. 

As I look outside I let out a sigh. Our neighbors are getting their lawn mowed. He owns a landscaping company so it is only fitting to have his yard done and their landscaping looking like it came right out of better homes and gardens magazine. I look at our yard and see Barkley half covered in our over grown grass. I look at all the places we need mulch and the weeds that are overtaking my flower beds. There is so much to do. 

My eyes go back to the carrots and I continue with the peeling. I hand Alivia a carrot and get on my computer for a bit while she has a snack. I go to Pinterest. I immediately see prestine porches adored in ferns and candles, skinny girls in jcrew outfits, DIY projects galore and ways to be a better wife. I can only think of where I'm lacking in those areas. My overgrown porch, love handles, goodwill clothes, half finished projects and the fight I just had with my hubby!  I could be better, I need to be better. 

What if I never saw my friends peeler or looked at my neighbors yard or got onto Pinterest.  What if I didn't see any of that? Would I still feel inadiquate? Maybe a little but I think I would be content with exactly what I needed and have because I wouldn't know any better. 

We are so hard on ourselves and we are constantly comparing ourselves with others.  Could we train ourselves to not look over that fence and see the greener grass. This is what God teaches Samuel:

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."-1 Samuel 16:7

Lets change our earthly perspective of our lives to a Godly one and stop comparing ourselves to others. Lets start focusing our minds on the heart issues. That's what matters to God, not perfectly cut grass or a kitchen that has been pinned far to many times for its elagant cabinets & glamorous appliances. God did not put us here on earth to compare and fight to keep up with the jones's. He put us here to love and serve others, to bring others to know him and pursue a greatness within our hearts. 

Head up!

Oh the sun does love us after all! I was beginning to worry if we would ever feel the warmth of its rays on our face again! It was a perfect day to be outside, all day long. 

Last summer Alivia didn't have any desire to learn how to ride her bike. Many experienced bike riders in our family would spend time trying to teach her how to push her feet down onto the pedals to make the bike move. We would even try to do it for her. She would give it a go for a good second then out of frustration she would run off to go color with chalk or ride her scooter, a much easier task for a three year old. The summer came and went and my daughter still didn't know how to ride a bike. I reminded myself that this did not have any reflection on me being a mom, and that I needed to focused on the desires of my daughters heart instead, so didn't push it. 

Fast forward to a month ago when my daughter jumped on a bike and started riding as if she had been riding for years. Yay!!! I am a good mom! Although, I had nothing to do with this new found technique my pride was overflowing!! 

Being a new rider she doesn't quite know the "rules of the road" yet. She rode on the left side of the path and all over for that matter and she wasn't watching where she was going. The bike veered off into the grass at one point and she fell off, taking me with her! She tried to pass a walker on his left and almost took him out while asking for his name. And she wanted a couple to stop running so she could pet their dog!  The biggest problems she had was looking at her feet instead of looking up to see where she was going, this is when things got bad! She was all over the path, she fell off, and she ran into me multiple times jabbing her handle into my thigh!  I kept telling her to keep her head up! It doesn't matter what your feet are doing, it matters where you are going.

Then God spoke. I stopped and took a deep breath, I watched my beautiful family making some lifetime memories with each other. I took a mental picture and he said quietly, "This is what I want you to do, keep your head up Audra."  I was reminded that many times I am caught looking down so to speak, or looking back at my past. I think about how I could've done something different or wish I wouldn't have done that and that is when I begin to stumble or fall, and sometimes taking others down with me.  I focus on where I came from or the past mistakes I've made instead of looking forward. I don't see the person God has made me into today and the person he desires for me to be tomorrow. The past is behind us and there is no need to look back, we need to learn from our past and keep our heads up focused on greater things! 

So give yourself a break and wipe that slate clean,just as Jesus did for us, and push on toward what God has in store for you today! Head up! 

Old Rugged Cross

Almost eight years ago my life changed drastically.  I was forced out of this universe that revolved solely around me and into a universe where another person existed, population 2, what the nerve.  I wasn't only responsible for myself anymore, now I had to relay my thoughts & plans to this man who swept me off my feet just a few shorts months earlier and now I am picking his dirty socks up off the floor for the 4011th time.  It was a hard adjustment to make and I had a lot of learning to do because I am a very independent woman who needs no man to hang my pictures or put together that brand new grill, I could do it on my own!  I slowly began to learned (through many arguments) that I needed to let go of my wants and needs and I tried, very hard, to begin focusing on his.  As I started to learn that very important yet extremely hard task, my universe that existed with only two people now had the population of 3.  My daughter was born and my life….(what am I saying, what life?)….was not the same.  The name of our universe was now called ALIVIA and when she was a baby, she was the ruler of that whole universe.  It was a beautiful universe.  She created such joy and happiness in that universe that I didn't mind sacrificing the spotlight.  I didn't even share the spotlight, I gave it up.

As spouses & especially parents we go through this hard lesson of sacrificing our time for someone that we love.  It is hard, but we don't mind doing it.  We lose countless hours of sleep when that new baby arrives.  We are changing diapers with one eye open in the middle of the night and catching yourself nodding off as you zip up those cute fuzzy footy pajamas.  We share our bed,  and give up our neatly polished look for sweats, a t-shirt that most likely has spit up on it and a ponytail that is falling out.  We change our diets and even forget to feed ourselves, we spend emotional hours trying to stay consistent in our discipling,  and we give up our time so that our child may feel loved & desired.  Why? Because we love them to the moon and back!

After a long morning I reached my hand into basket in our pantry.  It was the basket where I keep "the goods" so that they don't get eaten by other members of my family!  This basket held one last treasure, a dark chocolate square that melts ever so slowly in your mouth as your read the sweet message on the foil wrapper.  "I deserve this."  I say to myself.  As I pulled it out I hear little feet come running up behind me.  Most likely because she heard the pantry door squeak and in curiosity came bolting out of her room.  "mom……..whatcha got?" I could have said nothing and turned away with this little piece of heaven hid tightly in my hand but as I looked at that sweet smile I opened my hand and I said, "A chocolate, you want it?"  She screamed with laughter grabbed it and ran away into the other room to devour my chocolate in a matter of seconds, no joke.  Was it worth it?  Yes.  I got to see that beautiful smile and that sweet little girl light up and my day was made.

I can't help but think of Jesus today and what he gave up for us so many years ago, just because he loved us.  I sit here in Starbucks with my grande lime refresher and ponder the final hours of his life here on earth.   I started thinking about his ministry first and the people he healed, the thousands he fed physically and emotionally and the ones he saved. Countless accounts of his majesty yet so many still had unbelief which led him to the cross.  The cross….I go there.  

I close my eyes, drown out all the noise around me, and I am there as the soldiers rip his clothes off him and wrap a scarlet robe around him.  They pick up a crown of thorns that they had made and push it into his skull, blood comes down and drips over his eyes as he turns and looks at me with only love in his eyes.  My heart leaps out of my chest and I fall down to the ground because his majesty is too great to stand, because that should be me.  I look up and notice they had ripped off the rob and began mocking and spitting at him.  I see his back facing me and I see where they had beaten him so brutally that no skin was left untouched.  All I see is blood, my blood.  His body is weak and he can hardly stand on his own.  They toss the heavy cross on his freshly wounded back and shout to him to walk.  He walks to the cross where he is hung by nails that are driven into his wrist and ankles.  My hand reaches out and I wipe the blood that is dripping down his feet.  I hear people around me screaming at him to save himself, even the two robbers next to him on their own crosses begin to mock & swear at him.  I look up and hear him say, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."  My eyes pour out with tears and my hands reach out towards him as he gathers every last ounce of strength in his body to cry out to his Father and then he takes his final breath.  The ground shakes my body and my cries are among the many crying out for him as we see his glory.

Why? Because he loves us sinners to the moon & back and all around this universe.  This love is so immensely huge that we cannot understand.  I pray that my life will reflect his beauty and majesty so that when I stand before the Lord on judgment day He can say, "well done good and faithful servant, it was worth it."

Steady my Heart

I sat in the front seat of my mom's cranberry red chevy Malibu going down I65 South heading toward sunny Florida.  My mom was driving and my sweet girl was singing her little heart out in the backseat, as usual!  We had one overnight pit stop in Nashville to pick up a few vacation tagalongs (aka: my sister, aunt and cousin) and then we would be in the sunshine state.  We were beyond excited to finally be on the road heading south, toward warmer weather so we can unthaw our frozen bones.  This winter was harder than most winters, and I mainly blame in on the movie Frozen coming out!  If that movie was called Melting or Thawed…maybe we wouldn't have had the snowapocalypse….just saying! Anyways, I had some time to think as I sat there strapped in and 6 hrs of interstate ahead of me.  My mind began to worry, doubt, and fear the unknowns about our adoption.

(side note)
We have been beyond blessed by everyone who has supported us in this adoption.  God has shown up in amazing ways through people praying, raising money to get started with the company Christian Adoptions Consultants (so worth it by the way!! but ill save that for another post), and helped us raise money to get started on our home study!  We were blown away how they money came in and we were able to move forward!  If I haven't thanked you already for your amazing support….thank you!  Because every dollar helps get my baby home and everyone has a hand in getting him into my arms….so cool!  (I can just heal Olaf saying "all good things, all good things" man that movie!!!!)

(So back to I65…..)
As our home study is on it way and moving at great speeds,(YAY) my mind began to think about what happens after the home study.  What do we do now?  I felt that I have exhausted my fundraising options at this point and I began to sink slowing into my seat, curling up into a ball so that I may become smaller, just thinking of asking for more money.

"But God….they have already given so much, how can I ask for more…who would give more?"
 
This is where I make a crucial mistake.  First I said "But, God".  Just so you know, those two words don't go together.  Saying "but" before God signifies that I have another idea, thought or objective other than Gods.  It is saying that I think His plan isn't going to work because I am having doubt or fear associated to the topic.  Secondly, I said "how can I ask for more?"  Did you catch that?  I took control!  I put all the pressure on myself and didn't let God take care of it.  I was too worried about what people would think if I asked for more money!  God gently whispers, "I will ask"  Whew…that takes all the pressure off! Thank you God!  I was encouraged to begin praying specifically for our funding and it went more like this:

"God, I trust you.  I know you will provide the funds when the time is right!  I know you have a perfect child waiting for us and we will wait for him patiently.  I pray that you will stir in people's hearts about helping us fund our adoption at just the right time, your time.  I love you.  Amen"

After that prayer I was at peace with where our adoption journey was at and how long it could take us to reach our goal! All I could think about at this point was….SUMMER!!!  ( "I just love summer and all things HOT!")

Fast forward three days later:

I read an email saying they have a donation for us to help us fund our adoption!  Wait…..what?   This girl begins to tell me how a few days earlier she was praying for a way that they could help us with our adoption.  God opened doors and answered prayers!!  We were both amazed at God's love, timing & provision in all this!

I wrote this mainly to give everyone an idea of where we are at in our adoption journey.  We are almost there!  There still could be some funds needed along the way but for now we can move forward and quickly if we need to thanks to this donation!  The second reason for writing this is to say thank you!  We are blessed, truly blessed by everyone and are amazed at God's hands guiding us the whole way.  We wouldn't be able to do this without your prayerful, emotional & financial support.  Finally, I wrote this because I want to encourage you.  If you are doubting, worried or fearful of the situation you are in, I encourage you to quit saying "but, God" or "I can't."  Instead, let go of the control and trust that God will provide and can move mountains.  Be bold in your prayer and ask that God will steady your heart.  And know that God will provide!

"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the son." (John 14:13)

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is no life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do no sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"  (Matthew 6:25-27)

Forgive and you shall be forgiven

I have been working on this post for weeks.  I have studied, took down notes, wrote out a whole blog and then deleted it when I heard God say, "Start over".  In the first post there was more research and not some much heart.  Why?  Because sharing my heart on this is very vulnerable.  But God calls us to step out in faith for Him, to bring Him glory.  So here I go…my heart is on the table.

About a year and half ago I found out some information from someone that I am close to that broke me to pieces.  I will not go into detail on here about the situation or who this was because this is not what this blog is about, but it is about forgiveness.  Forgiveness of the offense and for the person.  When I first learned of the offense God put a super power within me to forgive right away and move on.

But recently I've experience something I have never experienced to this magnitude before.  Depression & anxiety with a side of bitterness.  It creeped up inside me like a sneaky snake, I didn't know it was there until it was already inside my pants with no way of getting out unless I took my pants off and expose myself.  It was getting so bad that it was effecting my marriage, my relationships and my daily life.  I was sad all the time and I couldn't find joy in anything.  I would cry on a moments notice and then be angry the next.  I put the blame on others, thinking they were doing things to me to cause me to act this way.  I couldn't find the blame in myself for I found myself blameless.

I approached a close friend on the issue and asked her about forgiveness.  I told her how I had forgiven them once before and about my fear that I hadn't been honest with that forgiveness.  I was unsure if I had really dealt with the pain at the time.  My friend had some great insight:

"Forgiveness is like taking out the trash.  When the trash gets full with yucky smelly junk we need to take it out.  And then little by little the trash starts getting full again with junk because we have have stuff we throw in there daily, and we have to take it out again.  Just like trash, forgiveness needs this attention.  Little by little the enemy will start adding junk in there and we need to get rid of it."

That analogy was so life changing for me.  I assumed that once you dealt with the forgiveness it was something you were done dealing with.  But in that moment God brought it to my attention that I needed to forgive again.  It was harder this time, there was more hurt and I just didn't want to justify that hurt by forgiving the offender.  So I began researching forgiveness.  I read books like  The Judas Goat by Perry Stone, looked up all the definitions of forgiveness online, sought out advice from wiser people in my life and most importantly, I read my bible.  You know what I found out?  Forgiveness isn't about justifying the person actions, it isn't for the other person, and it isn't saying everything is forgotten and the pain subsides.

What is forgiveness?  Forgiveness is a choice, forgiveness is for you, forgiveness allows you to move forward and forgiveness is love.   But most importantly God forgives us, he wipes the slate clean and he DIED for us.  And this is what he says:

"And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive your trespasses.  But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses." Mark 11:25-26

Wow…..Do I have sin?  YES! I need Jesus big time. When I am holding on to this unforgiveness and choosing not to give it out, God will choose to not forgive me.  The enemy will start to plant little lies into our heads and they begin to grow like yeast does in warm homemade bread.  Then, eventually we are rock bottom and not sure how we got there.  So I laid it all out, arms wide open, eyes pouring with tears as I let go.  I forgave.  I immediately felt a release of my pain.  The hurt was there but God gave me a compensating joyful spirit. The depression, anxiety and bitterness was gone.  Once I gave it all up I felt lighter, happier and joyful again. 

I write this today to encourage you. I've been there and I'll be there again and it's very hard to forgive if you've been hurt in unimaginable ways. I pray you can release that pain to Jesus and feel joy again. Don't take the responsibility of holding onto that, let God take care of that and you. Thats why He sent his Son to die on the cross, for us and for all the pain this fallen world may cause. That is just too much for us to bear. 

 Much love to you today. 

Forgiveness(Dictionary.com):
Pardon, victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding offense, let go of negative emotions such as revenge, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. 



Forgiveness (Wikipedia.org)
a legal term for absolving or giving up all claims on account of debt, loan, obligation or other claims.  
wipe slate clean, to pardon to cancel all debt

Mismatched Mommas

I climbed into bed last night and began to pray.  I prayed urgently & with my whole heart that God would use me, speak to me, show me where I am needed.  Before I knew it I was whisked away into a vision.  When I came out of it I was so confused on what happened.  Did I just fall asleep and have a dream?  It seemed real, but I was in the middle of praying.  "God", I said, "was that from you?"  I began to think about what the vision embodied and what God wanted me to do with it.  I grabbed my phone that sat on the vintage chair next to my bed that I use as a nightstand and wrote myself I short little note so I would remember this vision in the morning.  I was worried I might wake up this morning and look at the jumbled mess of words and have no idea what it was about, but God protected my thoughts from last nights vision so that I may share them with you today.

-A man and his son, who was about 7 years old, were working together on their house.  It was a small house but nothing short of a wonderful home.  It was older home but but the man kept it solid.  As the father was standing on chair replacing one of many light bulbs that had gone out his son became very concerned that all the light bulbs did not match.  His father than replied, "Son, it does not matter if all the lightbulbs match or are all fancy or vintage.  The only thing that matters is that the light shines."  The boy smiled and nodded in agreement. -

I know many times I take a look at what other women around me are doing for God and what they are doing for our community.  I compare and think I am not doing enough or I am not doing something as significant or important as that person. I become discouraged or depressed and then, do nothing.    Because I am a stay at home mom I get lost in the lies of unworthiness.  I am "just" a mom.  That is a lie!!  You are more than just a mom, you are more than just a wife and you are more than just working mother.  You are more.  God knitted us together in our mothers womb (Psalm 139:13).  Wow!  Have you ever knitted before?  It takes time, it takes patience, every item you knit is different from the other and that item is cherished because it took so much time.  You can make scarves, hats, blankets, socks, sweaters, etc.  All are made from the same person, the same yard, with the same needles yet every item has a different purpose.  God MADE US this way!  He knitted us together so eloquently, uniquely and with different colors all for a purpose!  God made us perfectly imperfect for His will and His glory!  How great is that?

As women we should not compare or compete with other women.  We need to be cheering each other on, encouraging each other and praying for one another daily.  Like the lightbulbs in my vision, we are each different but we all light up the room.  Lets make this world very bright with combining all of our different and unique lights together.  If one light burns out in your home, you notice and that part of the house is dark.  Lets not let each others lights burn out.  When we start looking for the approval of others, don't receive any, our light will burn out.   When we can stop comparing ourselves to others, that is when God will begin to use us fully and uniquely for Him.  Because that is all that matters anyway, GOD!  Lets stop doing things for the approval of others but only for the approval of ONE! Lets be Mismatched Mommas for God!!!

"Do what you do for an audience of ONE" - Rebekah Lyons

My daughter and her mismatched socks - different but both keep her feet warm!

God Speed

"God Speed" is a phrase many of us had heard before as we are taking off on some adventure or leaving to do something hard.  You hear it in movies, read it in books and your friends may have said it to you before as a joke.  I began thinking of these two words today as I was driving on some very icy roads.

Our area was hit by one of the craziest storms we have had in a long time.  We received 12+ inches of snow, followed by rapidly dropping temperatures that plummeted down to -17 degrees, and then came blustering cold winds that took the -17 and made it feel like -30 degrees.  The winds also became a huge problem after the snow stopped because it began blowing the snow back on the roads.  We stayed inside as much as possible those few days, but when we did go out we saw people in ditches, fender benders and people swerving every which way.

I consider myself a good driver.  If you were to ask my husband they same question, he may say otherwise!  It is all about perspective right?!  Anyway, I am a chicago driver.  I enjoy getting to places on time, even it that means I have to drive a little fast or perhaps cut someone off "by accident".  I can multi-task, yes that is me applying mascara at the stoplight….and it might also be me that you are honking at because I missed the second the light turned green because of that quick makeup application.  I am also experienced at driving in all types of weather.  We have four seasons here, I consider myself able to handle all of them quite nicely.  Unfortunately, I have to admit that being a Chicago driver also means I'm impatient, distracted and fearless sometimes when I am driving! Yes, big breakthrough here for this chicago driver!

This afternoon I decided to venture out into the wilderness to run some errands.  I began to notice a few things about my driving.  If I stayed focused, went well under the speed limit, and allowed enough time to stop, I wouldn't swerve or loose control.  But, if I began to get a little impatient or distracted by daughters cuteness in the backseat my car would start to have a mind of its own.  Through this observation God decided to speak to me in this moment!(P.S.A. I might have swerved during this time…just saying) Our God is very creative in how he chooses to speak to his followers.  Just as he spoke in parables to his disciples, he speaks to us the same way! He encourages us to seek him, find him and know the truth in everyday life.  

I began to think about the journey God has put us on with adopting.  I wanted so badly to be put on the fast track because it had taken us so long to get to this point and I wanted to get things moving right away.  I wanted a baby in my arms, like yesterday! Ha!  Can you hear God laughing up there?  Yea…I can.  Expectedly, there have been a few bumps in the road that have slowed us down a bit.  If we were to speed this process up on our own and do things that we normally wouldn't do just to get there faster (a.k.a taking out a big loan on a credit card) it might turn around and bite us in the end or slow us down.  Just like this afternoon, on the icy roads, if I would have forced my car to go faster than it should I would have began to swerve or me and the car would have been in the ditch.

God wants us to go at "God Speed".  He wants us to stop forcing our own way and let him get in the drivers seat.  When we go at God's speed…..the timing is perfect.  The bumps in the road don't surprise God one bit.  He knows where those bumps are, he knows when we will need to stop and get gas and he knows when we need to speed up or slow down.  God showed me that when I worry about the timing of this adoption or worry about not raising enough funds that is me being a backseat driver, or better yet, the passenger that leans over and turns the wheel for you or does the "air break" in his seat.  I don't want to be that person, I want to be a passenger that can sit back and let God do all the driving.  Because, in the end there is the perfect child out there for us…and we need God's speed to get us to that child in his perfect timing, slow or fast.

"God are we there yet?"
"we will get there when we get there, enjoy the ride!" :)

100 ways to Give

As I reflect on the last year I think of all that we had experienced as a family. We experienced a good mix of heartache and blessings throughout the year. But through the heartache came many blessings and I am so grateful for everything God taught us in 2013. This was the first whole year that we spent in our home. We feel beyond blessed by God for giving us this cozy, warm, loving, full laughter and little feet running through the hallways of this house. We welcomed a wonderful brother-in-law, Chad, into our family. They had a beautifully wet wedding in Nashville, TN that was perfect in everyway! We spent a lot of time with family and went on vacations together. We got pregnant with our 7th child, and lost her way to soon. We were thankful she had a wonderfully big family waiting for her in Heaven. We had an amazing family vacation where we loved on each other, embraced each other, got to know each other more and enjoyed life together as we grieved our loss. We spent the next few months feeling the love and support from friends and family as we tried to get over our hurt. We embraced what God had to teach us and in turn were lead to start the adoption process. We had a very successful fundraiser to raise support to get started with the adoption company, Christian Adoption Consultants, and we became pregnant, on paper, with our 8th child! We were blessed with seeing first hand how our family & community support us and are behind us in this process. We feel so loved! So many things to me thankful for in 2013!


As I look ahead to 2014 all I can think about is the hope we have of bringing our child home. We have a long way yet that will include many bumps & turns. We recently just had one of those small bumps. We thought we were going to be able to use our home study and get the process started with CAC but recently found out we have to do a completely new home study & possible adoption classes. The fees for this can be anywhere from $3000-4000. I was bummed to say the least, that is $4000 more we will need to raise just to get to the next step. God knew I needed a little reminder that He will provide the funds, even when we think we have exhausted all of our options, and He alone will get the glory.


I had an idea(actually God showed me this idea) for a way to helps us raise the money for the home study. Here is how it works:

1. Choose a number! (choose as many as you like)

2. Message me, text me, call me, comment below or email me the number(s) that you pick

3. You donate that amount. There are numbers 1-100, if you chose the #37 you would donate $37. If you chose the number #5 and #10 you would donate $15 total. Get it? :)

4. Once all the numbers are gone (hopefully :) Your name will be put into a drawing for the chance to WIN……….a $50 gift card to TARGET!!!!!! (if you don't have a target by you and you win..we will work something out:)

5. You get 1 entry for every number you pick 1-50 and 2 entries for numbers 51-100! So the higher you pick the double the entries! And the more numbers you pick…the more chances you have at WINNING!!!

6. (get an extra entry) Share this blog entry with friends on Facebook! ****Must tag me so that I can see you shared it!****

7. I will take down the numbers as they are claimed and post updated pictures!

Thank you all so much!! Have a Happy New Year!!

**To Donate please go to www.youcaring.com/welcomeohm or you can mail a check!
**To Read about our story you can click HERE